Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. Suggesting someones internal dialogue over a situation is a pretty extreme response feels blame-y and a way to police someones (totally valid) feels. Young women and girls are not stupid. You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. Remember, . I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. Him: Good. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. You have to answer the . But when asking, I still tend to ask in layers so the other person has many outs to either say no or express no. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. I had a hard time staying employed and taking care of myself because I have a chronic illness, and the alternative to living with my parents would be to figure out how to apply for section 8 housing and Disability, both of which have a long wait list. It took a LOOOOONNNNGGG time to train them out of, What are you doing this weekend? Thats my favorite response! Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? Now when he asks I say party like a rock star. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. "Spend some time this weekend on home improvement. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Im trying to train her out of the habit. Any fun plans? Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. Plus they have the freedom to say Nah, cant on Saturday, but Im free Friday or whatever. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. I also agree that this is a loaded question and it also makes me on edge when someone I do not know that well asks it. 2. Give small truths. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). )in a way that seems to be back firing. Obviously Im talking here about people Im friendly with, not friend-friends, but I cant imagine having got to the stage of being friends with someone who was inclined to rebuff me expressing interest in their life. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon In the case of friends and dates, I feel like sometimes its a slightly manipulative way of getting me to do the actual asking / planning. Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Whatever hits them the hardest should work just fine. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. If the answer is miserable but I dont want to get into it right now, fine-thanks still works. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. Thats where I am as well with my kid. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. I really like this point! How To Answer "What Do You Do For Fun?" (With Examples) On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). Thank you. This is my reaction. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. And Im sorry for that. Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? This strikes me as so strange! Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). Try these instead. I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. !" Texting or sending an email to someone. Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) Darn, my wife wants me home early [so we can watch Netflix on the couch with our cat].. How are you? Now shes supposed to go on a date with me if I ask for one!. You can help!'. I read that post all the time. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. Ive been loving all your responses on this thread. I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! I get the feeling Im not alone, I always thought my relationship with my parents was healthy until I became an adult and now I dread conversations with them. Good, I just saw the cutest squirrel.. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. Why not be honest? My vote is toss her out and let her adult. Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. Paris color stylo eye shadow neon skirt Paris color riche le stylo eye shadow bronzed How much vitamin c does a clementine have Loreal paris color riche stylo smoky eye avant azure What to get a guy for valentine's day Paris stylo smoky eye shadow hollywood Why is friendship better than relationship Desculpa para sair mais cedo do trabalho View Each Day as an Opportunity, Not an Obligation, Everything That You Can't do Because You Have Kids. That being said, in a couple of guys Ive dated in the last few years, Ive been amazed at how fast and how almost without me noticing they can go from planning and executing dates very well to somehow only being able to function if Im doing it. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. This is my first time commenting because so much of this rang true. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. Although I have one co-worker who apparently does laundry on weekdays sometimes. Are you me? Bear in mind that you may only ask where are you from once, but the person with the non-local accent is not unlikely to be asked multiple times a day, every single day for YEARS; and POC may be on the receiving end for their whole lives. Question. How much stuff is there? Oof this is hard, because how you deal with it can and will vary so wildly depending upon whos doing the asking of you. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Its 2018. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. If I get hungry enough, Ill consider eating them. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? 1. friend: yooooooooo goodyou Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. Nothing very interesting. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. It was glorious. There is a normal-question-asking prosody, where the words get successively higher in pitch. Thursday is good for me. Funny Responses to Compliments Everyone Can Use I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? 1, It feels rude not to ask back. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. 2. Try a Humorous Reply when Someone Asks "How Are You?" - All Women's Talk As a lot of commenters have pointed out what are you doing this weekend can be asked in a variety of contexts with a variety of motives BUT one thing that has tended to work well for me is to just pick one thing Im to talk about without mentioning when it is: Im looking forward to my birdwatching class! or Partner and I are going on a hike! and then asking about their weekend. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. 150+ Funny and Witty Answers to the Question "How Are You?" Thanks, I woke up like this. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. Ive heard its a very Southern California thing and that people from other places are annoyed by it. Im in my late 50s and, frankly, my plans for the weekend are likely to be boring to this younger inquirer. THIS. Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? When I asked him later, What the heck? So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. 65+ Funny Responses to Everyday Questions! - Self Development Journey Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. Are you busy? Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. Them We need to have lunch soon Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. 1) Let the weekend memes begin! If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. Of course, YMMV, and you know your family and the situation better than I do. Where are you from is often followed by no, where are you REALLY from which seeks to establish that you are a foreigner. 3. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. why do you ask? when Im texting or emailing. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. 3. People here are talking about changing a norm, but you have in fact learned the norm correctly, and Im sure this whole conversation feels like slipping sand beneath your feet. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). Lead with the actual invitation. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. Ive had trouble with that one, too. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. Also I have learned to give hard noes. Well, now I know? And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. I loathe this question, and Ive been getting it a lot lately. My family are a bunch of hyper-social weirdos for whom my introvert-ness is very confusing. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? 2. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. etc. what about this would a person take personally???? For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. DP: No free time at ALL? Numbered point 4 specifically says LW doesnt understand why people are asking this, hence the many explanations of different reasons people ask, and while the possible manipulation is noted in numbered points 2 and 3, its not the only thing LW is asking about, while point 3 suggests to me that LW may well be reading manipulation into cases where people are just curious or are actually trying to do the planning themselves (by finding out if LW is even available for a possible activity), not trying to make zir do the planning, as ze suspects. Im much better at saying no now, and I realize that in most situations saying no is a perfectly socially acceptable answer. Im well aware of that risk. Im really only comfortable with this question in that context from very close friends who I can trust to react well to Thanks, but Im not really up for X. Otherwise, the question makes me feel that Im being manipulated into agreeing to something before I know what it is. She looks so comfortable. Must say I kinda love your kids response. I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. Weekend gone! Instead we got stuck attending an MLM pitch. I m trying to understand the other side, all those people who say they do this to make declining easier, but it just makes no sense to me. ooh. Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly! Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. Great! And then both go on to other things. Ive learned also that its ok to be a deer in the headlights if Im caught off guard bc I can always invent something shortly after or next day and say whoops forgot I had x. Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! As a little anecdote my ex-husband and I had just started attending a new ward in his church when a guy our age wed chatted with a few times asked us what we were doing on Halloween. Ask back? If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" Tell me about you. If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. Sorry about that! It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. Them: We should have lunch soon. I like to use Oh, you know, just some of the usual weekend stuff. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. Yep, my wife and I too. I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. Me:why? And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. 3. Thank you!!! Whaaaaaat. Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Sometimes its totally innocuous, as LW said. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. Want to go to the turnip festival with me or are you busy? Well, Im not busy but I also dont want to go to any turnip festival ever. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. You don't want to end up like your crazy aunt who keeps asking you the same question during every holiday dinner. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! Xoxo. I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. 1. And it's a great way to know what's at the top of someone's mind. Its not even really pushback. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. Her example story of failing to ride herd on rude white people sufficiently involved being at some luncheon or other with a couple of her grad students from India. Theres still room for her to refuse. We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. I clean up nice, don't I. What are you doing this weekend? I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). My Kid: No (shuts door again) Its really not you, its them. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. Not blond but like superwhite. You can do it as far as you can. I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans.