I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! He gave you the truth: hes incapable of any responsibility or emotional attachment. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. Peace. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. I have my dignity and that I did not have while I was with him. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. Lower blood pressure. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. Same people. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. Thats indifference. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. It simply means that youre choosing to move on. I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. But please be careful! Amen. You need to ask yourself why. Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. They may have seen it, heard about it, read about it, but they havent experienced it for themselves. Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. My bad! Hard to be alone. But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. I dont forget. He had no answer to that so I walked away. But I realized that there was good reason, and that he was snatching my safety net from under my feet pushing me away, while pulling my closest friends towards him. endstream endobj startxref You do not need to get closure from him, there is nothing he can say which may help but Im not sure. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. I said thats just what you say about me. It does no logical good M3tal_Shadowhunter 1 yr. ago It's not about helping anyone. And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. If the later, though I completely understand how you would feel, hes free to do as he pleases. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. Thats what MOTHERS do. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. He does not mean you well. Yes. Drawing a relational boundary doesn't require a grudge. I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Im sorry for you too. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. I knew it was not a good situation for my snoopy nature. Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. But to forgive in a way that would be about reintroducing more contact btw them and me into my life would mean forgetting why I had to push back in the first place. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. After 9yrs u think you know someone then it all comes crashing down around you and it makes you wonder why you were vulnerable, nave and caught up with them. Despite your best efforts, it's impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. . and not actually to feel any better. I guess that sounds awful but its just me. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. What if? What is the difference between forgiving our enemies and forgiving unrepentant people? Vindication? Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. I wont feel guilty about admiring the sociability and sweet openness of a guy at the party I went to. Being a work in progress. Youre seeing the forest beyond the trees. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. I am very up front with him too. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. In the speech, "A Toast to the Oldest Inhabitant: The Weather of New England", Twain uses satire to criticize poets . Its not a joke. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? I will never allow her to the chance to make me feel like I am NOTHINGand that is a direct quoteever again. I pray he finds what he wants in this life but I realise his divorce messed him up bigtime but it is not my responsibility to fix anyone we make decisions in life and we deal with the consequences. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. Validation? It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. Flush this man from your life. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. 0 Ive never had to forgive anyone as horrible as a child abuser, so Im a forgiveness novice in comparison. 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. Pray for you, wish tbe best for YOU. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. It was not a playful act, its who he was. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Hi Ladies and gents. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. Once he understood he was going nowhere with the playful sexual innuendo in my case as I was not taking him seriously, he became the intense, serious friend who wants to sleep with you but not lose the friendship. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. My gut says he is married or in a relationship. Its like my old AC all over again. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? This content does not have an English version. I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. Because really, what can you feel guilty about or worried what they (ACs) think? It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. Its true that I want to leave with him thinking of me as a good person. None of these are likely. Carry on!! However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. hbbd```b``z"gIiR `m0L`r OS$c;v\T$20m (?cO = He emailed last night and it didnt make me feel better. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. NC Nice idea but no one can correct a relationship on their own. Im struggling a lot with my self worth at the moment (even if rationally I know that it does not depend on him). The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. Its always uplifting for us all to hear stories of victory and healing. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. When I heard him say that it made me really question him, also I was thinking that maybe he was saying it to brag to his friend and didnt really mean it. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. Well. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. I really like this guy. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. And furthermore I think you look too easy, you appear non-discriminating and youre too available for them. I like cheeseburgers, but I no longer eat them because theyre not good for me. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. 30 Signs That Someone Isnt Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing-Time Candidate. Then watch Luke and Rapha Castro give their unique and direct take on love every Saturday 3pm on My Channel S. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. I would kill myself before I would let ONE day go by with my sons wondering if I loved them. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. Unsubscribe at any time. include protected health information. And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. Oddly enough, Im grateful for the monster teacher, because the experience is what I needed to break the cycle, face my demons and begin healing. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. Thank you. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. Im doing pretty well. Improved heart health. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. I will not let this experience defeat me. I forgive him for being the way he is, for how he feels and for how he behaves. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). So when I experienced that behavior towards myself, I would ask myself, what would you do if someone were treating your daughter that way. Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. I dont want to be around YOU. The Miracle is possible! This for my own sake. Cut your losses, beautiful lady, and remain NC. DONT. Probably. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. Im just searching for some truth. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. I finally get it now. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? the biggest betrayal of all is when a parent cant really love. Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? information highlighted below and resubmit the form. I have no plans 2 ever be in contact w/him and I know I have 2 let it go. I am feeling very weak like I just want to contact him to let him know how hurtful his behavior was but am trying to maintain my dignity. I deal with this a lot. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. I did not respond. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. What a schmoe. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. Yet, He forgives. Narc with more baggage than an airport. In my mind I think that how hes acting is immature and offensive, but for some reason I truly cant get myself to believe that he is being genuine with this crazy stuff. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. I couldnt seem to break free. You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. Thats what happened. Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate.