Soon I received more warnings:Phyllis and I are having dinner in a ramshackle restaurant. You remember them?, Id offer profuse apologies, prostrate myself, spread innuendoes that I had advanced cancer (that has never failed). . But what the hell did I know then?. ), Carlos grinned at me. He had not been found out! In a curious way her disclosure helped us to deal with the ending of therapy, since it brought us full circle, back to the beginning of therapy, back to that hitherto mysterious first dream in which her two little sons, dressed like girls, were on display in an institution. In that article he had credited Dr. K. for some of the ideas expressed and had cited their now unpublished article. I never can think past that., How can you release yourself from this? Over the first ten weeks I learned that, if we analyzed her feelings toward Matthew, her obsession tormented her for the next week. Although I think. She had never before talked openly about these issues: perhaps the sheer catharsis helped; perhaps it was useful for her to recognize the magical nature of her thinking; perhaps some of her horrifying thoughts were simply desensitized by talking about them in the daylight in a calm, rational manner. All of my arguments met a similar fate. It really didnt matter. The flush of pride I first experienced quickly gave way to a sense of deflation: This guy writes a lot better than I can.. After approximately one year of psychotherapy, Maries depression lifted, and she turned her attention to rebuilding her life. You cant become intimate with friends lest you hurt them when you ultimately commit suicide. What had happened in their lives that might have pushed them into the choices they made? You created it, what do you make of it? I was about to offer my formal recommendation that he begin a course of cognitive behaviorial therapy (an approach based on changing concrete aspects of behavior, especially marital communication and sexual attitudes and practice) when, almost as an afterthought, Marvin mentioned that he had had some dreams during the week. Most of the time whats important is that he would wish me well., But why is his wish so all-important? I did not want Pennys guilt, so recently pried loose, to discover her great neglect of her boys and attach itself to this new object. Although Thelma's love obsession with her therapist, and her subjective experiences on life of what is preventing her from living in the present, Yalom attempts to treat a 70-year-old woman only to learn that being love executioner more complicated as he had anticipated. No wonder you take great pains not to displease her. Yaloms tone manages to be both enjoyable on a literary level and enlightening on a professional level. No, he was not gay. Ultimately she married a sweet, elderly man. I think I had a premonition at the time that, before my work with Thelma was over, I would be called to account for hubris. My tactic had been to focus on the marital discord, and to suggest that impotence was to be expected in a relationship with so much anger and mutual suspicion. I know whats in it. But, Thelma commented, its natural for a person to be bereft if something so important is taken away so suddenly., Matthew nodded understandingly to Thelma and briefly put his hand on top of hers. She knew we were not equals. I always listen carefully to first statements. Basic anxiety emerges from a person's endeavors, conscious and unconscious, to cope with the harsh facts of life, the "givens" of existence. I simply hadnt realized it. There had to be some other way. Nonetheless, we find ourselves under ever-increasing pressure (from hospitals, insurance companies, governmental agencies) to sum up a person with a diagnostic phrase and a numerical category. But that would not be easy. Look how often youve said, Why should I get so upset about my sexual performance? Absolutely nothing. It was black and patent-leather shiny. The message I believed the dreamer was sending me:I try to look back but my vision fails. Several minutes later when she finished that anecdote (complete with a full historical account of how she and her sister first developed the habit of telling long tangential stories), we were hopelessly removed from our starting place and I had been effectively distanced. Yes, a week from Tuesday would be fineno emergency.. Therapy always presented a paradox for her. Three unopened letters -- 9. Students routinely extracted extravagant favors from him. Its the right thing to say. The body is stiff; the face taut; cold, repetitive thoughts clog the brain. Saul demurred, of course, raising many objections, predictable objections: he wasnt my only patient, I was much too busy, he was already feeling better, it was no emergency, he should be able to travel to my office soon. I guess I accepted Marge as a patient for many reasons; but, more than anything, I believe it was shame, shame at choosing the easy life, shame at shunning the very patients who needed me the most. You and I are very much alikein one way, at least. It was very beautiful. Furthermore, it had been a good personal experience after a bad week, in which he had hospitalized two patients and had a run-in with the department chairman. It seemed to me that an important lesson Betty could learn from an awareness of death was that life had to be lived now; it could not be indefinitely postponed. Only then can one act on it and change. Students have told me they were more willing to plod through dry theory knowing there would likely be an interesting tale just around the bend. At first he returned some of my calls, but then I stopped hearing from him at all. The possibilities are limitless. I also did not share Daves passion for secrecy, and have many friends, including my wife, with whom I share everything. Great artists attempt to communicate image directly through suggestion, through metaphor, through linguistic feats intended to evoke some similar image in the reader. Perhaps I was willing to permit Marvin a slower pace because of my encounter with the dreamer. That was the end of it. Wellthis is the part youll find hard to believefor the last twelve months my moods have been totally controlled by sex. So far it was apparent that Thelmas love for Matthew was, in reality, something else perhaps an escape, a shield against aging and isolation. I wondered, but did not ask, about the relationship between his wife and the key to that safe deposit box. So Marvin and I had reached a crucial point, a juncture to which full awareness inevitably leads. Carlos, you take pride in your honesty in the groupbut were you really being honest? Penny was ready to change into something else. To focus on what is actually happening between a patient and himself, rather than the past. Her father made a fair living as a department-store delivery man but was, if her mothers account were to be trusted, a callous, joyless man who died of alcoholism when Penny was eight. I believe that the primal stuff of psychotherapy is always such existence painand not, as is often claimed, repressed instinctual strivings or imperfectly buried shards of a tragic personal past. Nothing could be done until we diminished that power. Sarah, would you sit down and tell me about it? I dont want to eat on top of political buttons. Weighing all these considerations, I finally chose my response. I was truthful. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced it didnt fit. Twenty-four hours later she was sitting opposite me. If, however, I thought therapy were needed, I would be glad to help her select a therapist. She often, despite my inner groans, described some particularly banal conversation by playing several of the rolesIve always hated that. Brief Summary of Book: Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom. You were going to say something else, Phyllis?, Well, this is the hardest thing to say. After many such interactions, Dan could clearly discriminate between partners: with some he felt little connection, while with others he felt a strong bond, one so powerful, so compelling that he was convinced he had entered into a spiritual linkage with another kindred soul. The opposition stiffened. I think Ive been staying just ahead of them for sixty-three years. But this type of interpretation would be totally useless now: he was far too closed and defensive. We jogged across the Golden Gate Bridge, brunched at Greens restaurant. Lets be very realisticas you say, this is the place to be honest. Love's Executioner - Irvin D. Yalom - Google Books I liked the way you admitted you didnt know and then invited me to explore it together with you.. Ordinarily in therapy I would make sure to return and analyze this short sequence, but that day was not the time for such subtleties. I dont think Ive had a good girlfriend for thirty years. Hes not out back in the workshop. Penny nodded, sobered by my analytic tone, and her sobbing stopped. You havent heard from him for eight years!, But theres a chancea small one. Love's Executioner Study Guide - PSYC 220 Flashcards | Quizlet Though these tales of psychotherapy abound with the words patient and therapist, do not be misled by such terms: these are everyman, everywoman stories. He cried for all that he had missed, for all the years of deadness in his life. I agreed to help in anyway I could, to see him through the crisis, to visit him at home for as long as necessary. He immediately rejoined, Ive been wanting a session like this for years. Staring at the Sun was revolutionary, and The Gift of Therapy unequivocally changed who I am as a mental health professional. Saul had always been ingratiating, and much of our previous therapy had focused upon the meaning and correction of that trait. We met weekly for several months, and therapy proceeded well, as it usually does when therapist and patient enjoy each other. Im sure youll miss my little late-night calls.. In demystifying the therapist-patient encounter, Dr Yalom brings us into broader territory: he reminds us of our need for intimacy and trust and the struggle necessary to achieve them." Sunday Herald (Melbourne, Australia) Could she feel the difference? I think about where they are, how theyre doing, whether theyre richthat was the only favor I asked the adoption agency. Recommended for: If I hadnt kept his secret from my therapists all these years, maybe the dominoes might have fallen differently., I dont understand. What is Yalom's favorite first question to his patients? Our ultimate ALONENESS. Saul was stuck. She had made it clear that she would not commit herself to long-term treatment; and, besides, I thought that I should know within six months whether I could help her. Nor one who sobbed more noisily. Voted #1 site for Buying Textbooks. To make matters worse, he had written an important article on a related subject that was immediately accepted for publication. Far from wanting to take back her freedom from Matthew, she had a lust for . This was necessary, functional pain in contrast to the unnecessary pain stemming from irritated, bruised nerves which served no useful purpose. Would that release you?, Ive tried to imagine that. Oh, yes, he told me he had been married and divorced and that he had gone through a lot of turmoil about the divorce. I felt myself almost a bystander as I watched it develop organically. She was a multiple personality whose two personae (whom I shall call Blush and Brazen) waged a deceitful war against each other. About three weeks later, three weeks after my discovery of the importance of the therapeutic act, an extraordinary event occurred. It was Marge, but it was not Marge. The monthly mortgage payments were high, and after Jeff left she had to carry the whole burden. I tried to describe to her how I had seen things differently, and how, in my view, Matthew had been warm to her and had gone into lengthy and painful detail about why he had broken off with her. Its an old friend. They are dressed entirely in black. I get into moods when I know its the only way out. I still thought often about the letters (though Sauls condition had grown so grave that I had less confidence in my surgical draining the abscess analogy). It was my idea to invite Matthew, my idea to ask him the questions you did. I thought I saw her nod her head. As a result of her injury Marie had lost her job, and her financial situation was precarious. I grew impatient and amused myself with a vision of an enormous Japanese sumo wrestler pacing, posturing, and grunting himself into readiness. It was the first time he had seen Thelma in eight years, and if he was in any way startled by the physical aging she had undergone, his boyish, good-natured smile gave no evidence of it. He emphasized three major points: that she wanted to live, that she needed her body to live, and that cigarettes were a poison to her body. Her face grew rounder, her bodice fuller. Had I disproven the catechism? Furthermore, the patient pays the one who treats. She bought a used stationary bicycle and set it up in front of her TV set. You saw his callousness. Christ! You know shes a creep. To drive my point home, I attempted, in our final session, to use myself as an example. It was hard to remember that less than a year before it had been difficult for me even to look at Betty. The moment demanded a decision, and I chose to stand by Marge. Marvin, it must not be easy for you to talk about intimate aspects of your life to a stranger. Though I feel proud of this book, I have regrets about one storyFat Lady. Several obese women have e-mailed me that my words seriously offended them, and today I would probably not be so insensitive. Somehow, Marge said, our last hour turned things around. Your email address will not be published. I can take other guesses. Oh man. It sounds like your guilt and grief have already broken up your marriage. But it is not enough.. I arrived at his house early in the morning, entered through the door, mysteriously left ajar, and conducted therapy by the side of Sauls bed, where he lay flattened by an ailment we both knew was fictitious. There is a long tradition in psychotherapy going back to Carl Rogers and, before him, to Otto Rank, which understood that a preset termination date often increases the efficiency of therapy. Encased in an elaborate illusion of unlimited power and progress, each of us subscribes, at least until ones midlife crisis, to the belief that existence consists of an eternal, upward spiral of achievement, dependent on will alone. Some day Ill tell you about my nightmaresmaybe., Youre not the only one who has these fears, Dave. When I was a child, one of my favorite booksI used to take it to Lincoln Park in Washington, D.C., to read on the benches therewas. I feel miserable. After all, like Matthew, I know a great deal about you. Never have I had a supervisor like this. A common, and vigorous, attempt to solve existential isolation, which occurs in several of these stories, is fusionthe softening of ones boundaries, the melting into another. Though Penny didnt yet understand, she was locked into an irreconcilable contradiction between her determination to stay with Chrissie and her reincarnation beliefs. Its so busy that it gives me a headache. Afraid of what Id say. I looked again. Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy. Would he find a way, once more, to pull the comforter of self-deception over his head? Why did you decide to call me?, It was the third letter. Cognitive Therapy; Psychotherapy; Yalom; University of Idaho PSYC 347. I can afford it. She remained proud, somewhat judgmental, and resistive to new ideas. Theres a fair chance, I thought, that hes already sent that money and, if so, hes going to get caught in a tangle of lies with me that will really jeopardize our work. He remembered them well and was convinced that they signified impact and connection. Where transference refers to feelings that the patient erroneously attaches (transfers) to the therapist but that in fact originated out of earlier relationships, countertransference is the reversesimilar irrational feelings the therapist has toward the patient. When I was sick, she took me to the county hospital and shouted, This orphan needs medical attention!. Ones efforts to escape isolation can sabotage ones relationships with other people. There are serious examples of sexual objectification, especially in the chapters Therapeutic Monogamy and Two Smiles, where Yalom repeatedly refers to the clients as sexy or even says that he felt like the protector of this regal woman, something he does not say about any of his male clients in this book. I decided not to protest her accusation that I did not believe her. For example, he might reveal more of himself, get closer to other men, relate to women as human beings rather than as sexual organs. How well did it heal?, He suggested that perhaps I was too young to appreciate how many eight-year-old boys auditioned unsuccessfully for the Quiz Kids., Feelings dont always follow rational rules. Dave was so hypersensitive. They were having the same problems in living that I was. And now she found that Jim had been lying to her and not making his payments. I should have written Dr. K. immediately. Marvin felt better after our session and was highly optimistic until, a few days later, a curious event occurred. Never have I had a patient who was willing to uncover such painful material in such a short time. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. First, I couldnt get a slide out of the projector to put in another. I dont have any more hope, Ill never have any more satisfaction. Carloss two insightsthe first of many to comewere a gift to me and to my students. Ridiculous! I had been encased in my mind, watching replays over and over again of the same and, by then, pointless fantasy. I was worried that people wouldnt think I was sad enough. They were distracting and I didnt know how to answer them. So you never really belonged anywhere, never were truly at home. I think of what you told me about your bed in your aunts housethat cot youd unfold every night in the living room., The last to sleep, the first to rise. I know about your caring. Although the consultation satisfied me professionally, I had not gotten the personal support and appreciation I had been seeking. Later I find what I assume was in the envelope on the street, and it is a dirty old shoe with the sole coming off. Much as I love to do group therapy, the format has one important drawback for me: it often does not permit the exploration of deeper existential issues. I asked her about the conditions of her life, but she couldnt talk about that. You cant go on living a lie or an illusion! Once I accept someone for treatment, I commit myself to stand by that person: to spend all the time and all the energy that proves necessary for the patients improvement; and most of all, to relate to the patient in an intimate, authentic manner. Ive been sleeping twelve hours a day. I wasnt certain. The time has run out. For one thing, it can damage relationships with surviving children. Yalom presents some very important topics, especially human beings unacknowledged fear of death. In describing her psychotherapy at a teaching conference a couple of weeks before, I had aroused considerable interest. Believe me, I swear it, in the last meeting I was the only honest person in the group. . The weeks passed, the campaign continued. I was certain that I, even in my impatience, would act in Sauls best interests. I saw I had no choice but to own up. She seemed staggered by my confrontation and retreated by sinking into her body. Surely no one can be critical of a therapist striving to improve his technique. He knows it. Thats going to be my main job in the session.. Love's Executioner.docx. Brent, sixteen, was in juvenile hall detention for participating in a burglary; Jim, nineteen, was a heavy drug user. There was a story, too, behind that smile. I had no distractions (in those halcyon days before e-mail) and have never written better or more quickly. Besides, where in the hell would I store them? First, I thought of Pennys desperate wish to keep everyone together, to create the stable family she never had as a child, and how that was manifested in her fierce resolve to own a house and a cemetery plot. Once the depression sets in, I am bound to have a migraine within the next twenty-four hours. Saul had severe anorexia; he began to lose weight rapidly, his sleep was deeply disrupted, and incessant self-destructive fantasies ravaged his mind. If I have good sex with my wife, the world seems bright. It was a slide of a mans head. Where was his curiosity that his life had changed so dramatically, that his sense of direction, his happiness, even his desire to live was now entirely dictated by whether he could sustain tumescence in his penis?